Dear Blogger.

Dear blogger, im sorry i haven't been updating you alot resently, but in all honesty i feel like crap. I feel myself spirialling into something that i dont want to do but i cant help it. this is how it always begins. Something triggers it, i dont know what but from this i just end up in that place, that place i dont want to be again. All i can hear is that little voice of paranoya in my head and its turning into this peircing skreaching noise. But if thats not enough. i am alone. more alone then ive felt in a while, i dont want to be here no more but hay what can i do? waste all that money on half a degree, even if i do go home from the sounds of the phonecalls i got last night its nothing happy to go home to. but here? what do i have here? i'm doing a course surrounded by a segrigated class of people who dont even want to attempt to get to know each other. i am slipping away into a world where i am stuck. Stuck being alone, with out the confidence to continue my work or the courage to do what i want, do i just sit there, witht he constant nightmares causing my lack of sleep. i dont want to go to sleep, im scared by my own thoughts and where they come from. or do i try and change this feeling of alone, paranoid, numbness into something i can work from? something i can use to fuel my work. I know what i want to do. the one thing i always turn to when this feeling takes over. But i promised myself i would stop that. so maybe throwin myself head first into this will help.
we will have to see i guess.